the morning scramble.

My first solo radio show.  My radio show.

I could hardly sleep last night.  It was so silly.

Would lay there: eyes shut, heart open, mind running.

Woke up earlier than I do for anything.

He made me coffee.  Biked with me to the station.

– Good luck.  You’re going to do great.

– Thanks.  I’m nervous.

– You’ll be fine.

– I’ll be fine.  I’ll be great.

– Yeah.  How’s the coffee?

The coffee was horrible.  It had grounds in it and tasted like dirt.  It might have been dirt.

– It’s good.  Thank you so much.

– Can I have some?

[has some.]

– Oh, that’s horrible!  I’ll go get you some more.

– No, it’s okay.  I have to go in.  I’ll talk to you later.  Thank you.

Walked in, dark, sat down, set up, station manager…

– You ready?

– Yeah.

– Okay, let’s go.  You have to do a station ID… after this song.  Then start your show.

– This song’s almost over!  Wait, it’s over.

– Go!

– …Eigh… eighty-nine point one…… KHOL….

Then there was about an eternity of silence before I finally got this song to play…

My first song.  The first song.  Fitting.  Older.  Feels like the song that I started everything with… so, why not this?

Sweating.  Shaking.

– Alright, there you go!  I’ll be up front if you need anything.  It’s all yours.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no…

– Okay, thanks.

I put another song on.

He comes in… with good coffee.

– Hey, how’s it going?

– I don’t want to do this.  Why did I want to do this?  I’m so nervous.  I don’t like this.

– You’re doing great.

He left.

I couldn’t believe how nervous I was… sweating, shaking, doubting, ringing in me.

And I wanted to take a picture.  Wish I would have.

Remembered that [just recently] a lovely told me how she went through a time when she wanted to take a picture of herself anytime anything went wrong… when she was her saddest, maddest, most broken.

I thought that was so cool.

Living life and recognizing the truth of it all.  Staring at it to it’s soul and owning it.

I wasn’t as nervous after remembering that.  All I wanted to do then was take a picture.  But, alas, no camera.

Okay, my show.  My show.

I did it.

I messed up… mmmmmmm… maybe a hundred times.  And it was great.

I stared my mistakes [my flaws] down ’til they were completely naked… then to the flesh, then to the bone.  And I owned them.

The whole thing was a complete junk show… a scramble, if you will.

And that’s what I finally decided to call my show:  The Morning Scramble with Rachel.

Every Tuesday morning 8am-10am.

On KHOL… in Jackson, Wyoming.

[thanks to those jackson amazings that tuned in and sent me loving texts or called in… it’s a simple thing… a silly show… but it meant a lot and is way, way exciting.  thank you x10.]