spinning.

A while ago, a friend used the term “spinning my wheels in Jackson” and I thought, Oh man, I will never just spin my wheels… I will be doing something.  DOING.

But lately, that phrase has been haunting me.  Am I just spinning my wheels?

I’m not even blahgging.  I’m doing mediocre work at almost every turn.

And then the WHAT AM I DOING? hauntings… they’re the worst.

But not too bad.

Drove to Boulder to see this kid…

…well, mainly his parents.  I love and miss them all so much.

On the way there, getting the driving-time thinking in [the good stuff], I started wondering, When was the last time I cried?  Like, really cried.

Couldn’t remember.  Meh. Didn’t think too hard about it.

One of the days in Boulder, Evan and I went climbing in El Dorado Canyon.  It stormed a bit so we just hung out, ate lunch in a cave, hung out.  Then it was time to climb.  Time to climb something easy and quick to get back to dinner with loved ones.

It was easy EASY, so I was going to lead the first pitch.

I went up, went up a bit more and in the least technical terms, I fell.  I fell hard.*

And I just started bawling.  I wasn’t hurt, nothing serious at all… just some gnarly bruises, but I just fell apart.  Evan, bless his soul, was freaked the eff out.

– Are you okay?!  Rach!!  Are you alright?!

– I’m fine.  I’m okay.  What’s wrong with me??!  [bawling.]

– Nothing!… I hope!  Come down here!

– No.  I wanna stay here for a little bit.

– Okay.

Everything had crashed.

I didn’t want to go up, I didn’t want to go down, I just wanted to be invisible there for a second.  Everything had crashed and I had to soak it in for a second.

What is wrong with me?  Why can’t I do this?  Why can’t I do anything?  WHAT AM I DOING?!  What am I ever doing?

The pain of defeat and realization hit harder than I did on the rock.

– Rach, will you please come down?  Let’s just go.

– Okay.

He hugged me.  I didn’t want to hug back.  It’s this funny thing defeat does.  Lack of worth for anything love related.

It took me a full day of puffy eyes to stop beating myself up for falling, for spinning, for not going up, not going down.

But I’m not anymore.  I won’t.

Wheels in motion… going somewhere.

[and this, just for kicks…]

* Mom, Dad, I promise promise I’m fine.  I’m being safe.