not thinking.

I just have to say.

Sometimes there are those films, those books, those songs [even] that you just cannot get out of your head.  They flush themselves to the front of your face so that you feel that anyone who’s looking at you is seeing the disturbance seep out of your eyes, everything you say is tainted.

I saw Blue Valentine last night.

And I hope I’m not ruining anything for anyone, but it’s depressing as hell.

A story of falling out of love and basically how we’re all doomed to never be the person we want to be if we try and trick ourselves into believing in a relationship.

Makes it all feel hopeless.

Cleaning up myself in the bathroom after the movie, I found myself accompanied by many a women who were in the same state of shocked depression.

While in a stall, I hear…

Lady:  Half way through, all I could think about was how this was going to fuck me up like Revolutionary Road did.

Me: [from sitting on the toilet] OH MY GOSH, ME TOO!  Hey, yeah, I don’t know who said that but seriously, this movie is definitely of the same caliber of Revolutionary Road.

Lady:  Seriously!  Ugh.  Too much.

I couldn’t sit at home after watching Blue Valentine last night.

I took myself to keeping occupied.  Not thinking.  Not thinking about love.  Not thinking about relationships.  Not thinking about my relationship.  Not thinking about families.  Not thinking about my parents.  Not thinking about getting old.  Not thinking about sharing life.  Not thinking about compromise.  Not thinking about divorce.  Not thinking about love.  Not thinking about losing it.  Not thinking about falling out.

Not thinking.  Just dancing with strangers and living something, feeling something that’s not thinking.

And then woke up way too early and did this:

I don’t know why I’m sharing these thoughts.  If nothing else, sharing is a fraction of a conversation that’s worth voicing.  Right?  I don’t know.

Anyways, it’s in my head… Blue Valentine is… like Revolutionary Road, it will take weeks, months to finish messing with me.

I’ll need a good love story… stat.

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