i am done.

It was a hard year.  The hardest yet.

Last fall.  Leaving Yosemite in a blur to try and soften the blows of a family emergency and my sister’s divorce.  The darkness of that.

Fresno.  The tears of family, the delicacy of a two year old in question in your arms.  Hard. The frustration of uncertainty.

The pain of an uncertain love.  Being embarrassed by the pain and hopes of it all.  Dark.  Pain.

Twelve job applications.  No employment.  Lost.  Losing.  No direction.

Jackson.  Laying in bed, not able to get up, can’t see clearly.  Physical pain like I’ve never known.  Waking up in the middle of the night sweating, shaking, freezing, crying, confused.

Five minutes to get up.  Ten to get out the door and into my car.

At the Emergency Care…

- You have a horribly bad kidney infection.  We don’t even know how you got here by yourself.

- [trying not to cry and focus on the face of my doctor or nurse.]

- You could either just take the antibiotic for $4 or the shot for $170.  We highly recommend the shot.  You need to get something in your system now.

- [trying not to cry.] I just can’t afford the shot.  I’ll have to just take the pill.  I’m sorry.

- …We’ll be right back.

They leave the room for about five minutes and then return…

- Well, you’re in luck.  Usually the shot is $170, but today it’s on special for $25.  Would you like it?

- [crying.] Yes, thank you so, so much.

Georgetown.  Home.  Defeated.  In every single area of my life.  Not winning at anything.

Australia.  Australia?  Australia.

The. Family. From. Hell.  I kept searching for hidden cameras.  Not from the family, but from some kind of cable TV show.  This had to be a joke.

Lonely.  The lonliest.  Missing everything.  Everyone.

Crying.  Daily.

New family.

More Lonely.  How?

Mother/boss lost her job.  Fired.  What?  One week’s notice?  Whatever, screw you.  Middle finger to this place; I want to go home.

Beat down.  Defeated.  Desperate for living of any kind.

The darkest time.  Family, love, friends… All torn down, failed.  My own doing.  My responsibility for my darkness.  Powerful.  My responsibility for darkness in general.  Crushing.  Suffocating.  Ready to be done.  Making the decision that there is nothing to live for, nothing in myself that I want to look at… but the belief that maybe [some day] there will be something there again… and having to desperately grasp on to that.

Jackson.  Home.  Friends.  Calling it quits [again] on a love that cannot be willed into working.  Tears… always.  Empty.

Too many jobs.  Worn down.  Good thing?  Yes.

Throwing up.  All night.  Why?  Because this is a bad year.

Finding joy.  Finding light.  Getting excited?  Whoa… slow down.

Ear ache.  Ear infection.  What am I, nine years old?

More sickness.  Scared.

I was ready for it to all be over.  But this time it was different than that way I wanted it to all be over that last week in Sydney.  I’m calling it my bad year… hopefully my worst… and I’m moving on.  But there had to be something to symbolize the end.  Something big.

So I ran a marathon.  In Fresno.  Where this all began.

the finish.

I hardly told anyone.  I didn’t tell my closest friends.  This had to be something I did by myself.  For myself.

It was hard.  Rightfully so.

I had a mix of songs throughout the year to listen to.  The songs started in Yosemite and ended with two weeks ago.  It was powerful.  You’re laughing at me, but I don’t care.

A mile for every two weeks.  Running.  Reflecting.  Hurting.

Mile 6, thinking, “Really?  I have TWENTY more miles?  What the hell am I doing?”

Mile 17, the stitch.  My right side, all the way down.  Thinking, “Oh god.  Please let this stop.  I’m never going to make it.”

Mile 20, my ankle failing me.  Thinking, “I want to cry.  I can’t.  I have to keep going.  I want this to be over.”

Men older than my dead grandfather passing me.  Women in metallic wigs passing me.  Me thinking, “Well, this is just embarrassing.”

Finishing.  Time: 4:57.  Slow.  I could care less.

My family there.  Cheering me on.  My sister, my biggest fan.  Yelling so loud, smiling so big.  So proud.  On both ends.

I’ve never been happier.

Finished.

I am done.

I’m glad to be back.

Thank you for everything.

All of you.

watch out…

The Stevens Girls are back together…

 

Wow.  Good times.

 

LOVE.

oh, when?

• pumpkin = favorite flavor EXCEPT for bagels.  [discovered this morgen.]

• i like using the random few german words i remember from high school in normal sentences.

• i lettered in german in high school… did you know i was such a nerd?

• halloween = trouble.

• i’m going going back back to cali cali… for a whole second… tomorrow.  ex.cit.ed.

• i miss my yosemite loves and want some art from this lady to help me not miss: http://lindseyyankey.wordpress.com/illustration/

• i rode my bike to current bagel shop this morgen and found bras leaving it in ski garb… wait, are we skiing yet?  i just rode my bike here… sans gloves, hat and socks.

• new favorite song:

[you should love it.]

• trying to give up coffee = not working.

• lovely, have a wonderful day.

my mom’s favorite halloween joke…

- Why can’t witches get pregnant?

- I dunno, Mom… Why?

- Because warlocks have hollow-weenies!

[out of the 500 times i've heard this joke, i bet i hear the punch line about 25% of the time... the other 75%, she's laughing too hard to deliver it.  i love my momma.]

HAPPY HOLLOWEENIE!

and if you ask r. kelly…

Woke up to this text…

“If you get a spare minute today, wanna give me a little advice?”

I love it.  I think that’s a tell-tale sign of a successful relationship… This guy and I used to date, things didn’t work out, now we’re good, advice-givin’ friends.  Success!  So, I call him…

We small talk… Then…

- So… You need advice?

- Yeah.

- Is this about a lady?

- Of course… What other advice would I ask you for?

- True… I don’t really know much about anything else.

- Yeah, but you are a lady… So you got that going for ya.

And I gave him the best advice I could… Which included this line…

- Okay, I’m gonna tell you something that us women don’t admit to ourselves and never say out loud… If you lay off a bit, don’t call, go about your normal life and act like the whole thing is “take-it-or-leave-it” to you, she’ll probably like you more.  Girls are weird… We like a little bit of an asshole… But after that works, that has to be the extent of your assholeness.  Please.

And that got me to thinking… About all the random advice I’ve given, been given, seen given lately…

- Don’t expect to get asked out on a date here in Jackson… If a guy buys you a beer at the Wort, consider that high-class woo-ing.

—————————-

- If you don’t have a good meeting story, it probably won’t work.  Cuz you’re a story person, so if you can’t tell a good story for the rest of your life, it won’t work.

—————————-

- You probably won’t get over him until you start dating someone else.

- I think I’d want to get over him before I start dating someone else… Isn’t that how it should go?

- Well yeah, ideally, but when does that ever happen?

—————————-

- I blame my parents for my failed love life… They’re so awesome… How am I supposed to live up to that?

- Seriously!  Mine too!  Well… Just remember that you’ve seen that love and you can’t settle.

—————————-

- Ain’t nothin’ wrong with a little kissin’… And if you ask R. Kelly, ain’t nothin’ wrong with a whole lot more…

—————————-

I know three [that I can think of] lovely couples who celebrate their anniversary on Halloween… So, all you lonely-hearts-clubbers out there, get excited… cuz…

…then you can come to me for advice.

Everyone enjoy your Hollerween!

[feel free to throw in your two cents of advice for anyone, anything.  LOVE.]

this really helped…

i can barely feel it.

I found this on PostSecret:

i do love it.

People being kind.  And being brave enough to do things like this… Amazing.

Just wanted to share.

morning comes in paradise.

I was over in Idaho.  I watched friends race in a crazy bike race…. one where you [the cycler] rides around a track with different obstacles… some where you have to get off your bike and actually carry it… crazy.  Fun.  After party.  Also fun.

Had to work the next morning.  Early.

Drove over the pass to get to work on time.  Early.

Music on… on random.

This song came on:

It touched me… of course… cuz I’m a baby.

So peaceful… a beautiful, dark morning.  And then Bruce [my little engine that kinda could... aka my car] slowly, but surely, reached the top of the pass.  I peaked and then was blinded… blinded by the most beautiful sunrise I’ve seen.  There it was: The most beautiful pink and gold through the purple clouds, with it’s light oozing all over my favorite town in the world.  I pulled over, to admire.  My sweet little home town, fast asleep… being kissed by the sweet morning lips of a smiling sunrise.

Oh, wow… I have to take a picture of this… Knowing my ever-loving-attention-self, I’ll probably wanna blahg about how beautiful this is… Where’s my camera?…

So, I grabbed my camera, stood out on the edge of the gravel and got ready to capture.  Batteries – dead.

Dammit!  No!  C’mon camera!  Just one picture… Just oooooone little picture…

But, no.  No batteries = No picture = No sharing.

No sharing.  No, Rach.  This one is just for you.  Know this.  Soak it up… remember.

Beauty, as you see it, is going to be yours only.  You’ll share later… maybe… but now, gosh, all your’s.  Get ready to be illuminated inside… cuz it’s gonna be bright… get ready.

————————————————————–

- Thanks for smoking with me… I needed that.

- Anytime.

- No.  Never again, actually.

————————————————————–

Best Thing That Happened to Me This Week [aka perk #256 of my job]:

the ScarfAscot a client made me.

Yeah… Just in case you missed the caption, that is definitely a scarf [scarfascot] that a client from my work made me.  Have you ever seen anything so sweet?  Probably not.  [i love it and wear it often.]

————————————————————–

What I’ve been listening to for a whole second:

Yes, I know… not new.  But I’m liking it hard.

Goodnight, you lovely heartbeat, you.

…because you did.

I babysat for Beckett [three-year-old awesomeness] tonight… But this story is from a while ago…

I walked into Beckett’s house and his mom was rushing around trying to get out the door.  She gave me a quick rundown for the evening, but it didn’t take much explanation because I had been babysitting on the regular.  Right before she left, she told me…

- Oh, and please don’t use the bathroom in our room… The toilet is broken.

- Oh.  Yeah, sure.

And with that, she left.  I found it a bit odd… “Ummm okay… Why would I go into your room and use your toilet in the first place?”

But at dinner, it all became clear when Beckett spoke up…

- You broke the toilet.

- What?  No, I didn’t.

- Yes, you did.

- Noooooo…. I didn’t.

- Yes you did that’s what I told Mommy.  [all in one breath.]

- What??  Beckett, did you tell your mom that I broke the toilet.

- Yes… Because you did.

- No, I didn’t!

- YES, YOU DID!  I told Mommy that you broke the toilet because YOU DID.

- Beckett!  I promise I did not break the toilet.

- You’re lying… Because you did.

Oh man.  At this point I found myself getting highly upset… arguing… with a three-year-old.  I had to settle myself down… but I didn’t just then… I argued with him for a whole second more…. But then I did finally settle down…

- Okay, Beckett… After I say this, we are NOT allowed to talk about the toilet anymore… Okay?

- Okay.

- Alright.  Now, I am not a liar.  I do not tell lies.  And I’m telling you right now that I did not break the toilet.  And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

Silence.

- Good.  Let’s get dessert.

So we did.  And the night went on as usual… We played robots, watched Scooby Doo, etc.  Then, while playing blocks, Beckett sheepishly says…

- If you put too much toilet paper in the toilet, it’ll break.

[why you little...]

- Oh really?  Beckett, is that what you did to the toilet?

Silence.

- Beckett, is that how you broke the toilet?

Nods.

- Alright then.  Well, it’s okay… I’m sure you didn’t mean to.

what was simple in the moonlight…

Found this when I wasn’t looking for anything…

Late Harvest

Time, it is time.
Summer has been
long-stretched-out, full.
Go ahead, Fall:
shrink down the days
and sugar the grapes
for late-harvest wine.

Anyone still unknown
to herself will stay,
probably, that way.
Anyone unlinked by love
will be love-
left-out now—waking,
mind-pacing
up and down
up and down,
restless as leaf-bits
and papers in the street.

by Jeredith Merrin

This too…